Freedom Versus License

another piece of a facebook conversataion... this one initiated by an article by naomi aldort

i find a.s. neil's quote about "freedom not license" to be SUCH an important piece of this stuff (radical parenting).

i hadn't thought of using "freedom vs. license" for other aspects of life, but that is SO wise! i've used things like "everything in moderation" or "balance" or whatnot, but i think "freedom vs license" is where it's at right now! thanks for that idea!!!

it is SO messy, impossible to measure, and personal (not about someone else's idea of what's "right"). some days things seem to flow so beautifully and sometimes i just feel stuck with it! i guess the biggest difference i can pin down is a healthy dose of both personal clarity and patience (or willingness to listen). also when i'm feeling "full-up," i can be a lot more intentional and creative in my problem solving. instead of just saying "no" or "stop"(or thinking "because i freakin' said so, dude" or " i give up"), i can help negotiate, offer alternatives, redirect, and really help transform troubles into something positive.

i too feel alienated from the radical unschooling community as well as the mainstream parenting/teaching community. i just can't get behind a lot of the stuff i observe and experience. i guess it is helpful to remember that it's so much easier to see what "ought to be done" when you are observing and not so easy when you are in the thick of it! also, everyone is doing the best they can with their own strengths and struggles and we are all in different places with it... although (and here's a total tangent) i think that's part of the problem, there's NO cohesion among this culture's child-rearing practices. even among close friends and within families there are so many different ways of doing things. of course, that is part of what makes our culture so beautiful and rich, full of possibility, but it also creates tension, uncertainty, and instability that doesn't seem to exist in the same way in cultures where child-rearing practices are passed on from one generation to the next and are pretty uniform among communities. ...if i ever write a thesis it might be about that! :)

as someone who was raised in the heart of the "free to be" generation with plenty of control issues held over from the boomer generation, i have a lot of healing growing and learning of my own to do (of course). really, despite all the theories and philosophies, i think being "healthy" (happy, whole, balanced, etc) adults is the best thing caregivers/parents/teachers can do for kids.

Failed Screen Free Week Finale = A New Blog!!!

Well, having failed at screen-free week (though committed to a do-over in the near future when I'm a little more prepared), I decided that the best thing to do with my screen-loving computer-depending self is to start a blog! Yay! A new pursuit.

I'm going to start out by posting some past rants about early childhood. Those of you who know me may think I'm "sweet" or "quiet" or "nice." And I am :), but those of you who know me well also know that I just LOVE a good rant... especially when it comes to early childhood, young children, parenting, education, politics, or the nature of human beans. I am a total GEEK when it comes to Early Childhood and today I am going to embrace that and take one more step towards sharing it with the world.

Today I also realized that 98% of my creative energy goes to Runabouts, my preschool. For now I'm ok with that. It won't be like that forever and it's a pretty well rounded obsession, really. I get to do accounting, make posters, design websites, take photos, write, set up the school, dream up art projects, sing, read, act, dance, cuddle, play chase, tell stupid jokes, meet amazing and inspiring adults... and most of all hang out with crazy, creative, silly, sweet, bizarre, genius little humans almost every day. Caring for little ones (as every teacher and parent knows) is exhausting. It challenges a person to their very core and brings up all sorts of questions-- both personal and existential. Sometimes that part of this work/my life really gets to me but I think I also thrive on it. It makes me who I am, anyway. I think the challenges make the successes all the more special.

On the best days I know that what I do is making the world a better place. On the worst days I try to remind myself how imperfect humans are allowed to be and how small I really am in the whole scheme of things. At various times I hide, step back, stand tall, or reach out. I hold still or take action. I hold my ground or reconsider. Most times I just do what I can, do what I love, get by, have fun, be myself, etc. What else can you do?

A Rant About Health Care, Socialism, Conservatives and Liberals

this was part of a facebook conversation/debate about obama, the health care bill, and the satirical website about boycotting our "socialist fire departments."

1- i don't think that the satire presented in the "1 million strong against our socialist fire departments" is totally incorrect. i know it generalizes and simplifies the issues, but i do think it makes an important point. labeling obama a "socialist" (including images of him which mimic communist and fascist propaganda) has been widely and aggressively used to discredit his presidency and the push for universal health care. First, that is incorrect. Many of the “left” wish he really were a socialist/communist/humanitarian/etc and strongly disagree with many of the decisions, compromises, etc he has made. (though when he is attacked it’s hard not to come back fighting, especially when given the outrageous fraud, inhumanity, and hypocrisy of recent republican leaders). second, the website was simply pointing out that our government provides PLENTY of services that we participate in- whether we take them for granted or appreciate them. i believe that being able to go to the doctor when you are sick should be just as accessible as borrowing a book from the library, asking a police officer for help, riding a city bus, attending kindergarten, mailing a letter, etc. none of those are perfect systems, FOR SURE(!), but i've been glad to have them when i need/want/choose them! i know there are many people in the world who do not have such privileges, but in the wealthiest country in the world i think it's outrageous that so many people (children, the elderly, people who work 3 jobs, the disabled, etc) do not have health care. on a side note, i agree that in general more local control would be both more effective and higher quality. i also think that there are certain responsibilities that we humans have to care for (or at least respect) each other and many of the "right" (not all!!!) has a history of violating those rights and continues to do so today which makes me very hesitant to say that certain areas of the country should govern themselves. what about the people of color who live there? what about the gays and lesbians? what about the teenager who gets pregnant? what about those who are not christian? i know the good that people can do when they work together in their communities, but i've also seen the horrible, hateful, violent things they do. I think communities should be given more autonomy and responsibility to care for their own. I also have some hesitancy about that though, given the way many groups have been treated in the past, and are treated to this day.

2- while i know that there are a lot of things we all disagree on (both within our "right" or "left" circles and between them), there are also many things we do agree on-- things we want for ourselves, our children, our parents, our communities, our world etc. it's wild how easy it is to dig our feet in, try and prove a point, get self-righteous, come back fighting, etc when i would guess that many of our goals are the same. (and i'm not pointing fingers here, but mostly speaking from my own experiences/reactions). the republican vs. democrat struggle happens everywhere from the senate floor to facebook and it's a shame because really we are all just humans. and trust me, i know because my way is the only real answer (just kidding).

A Rant For Ponyo (and against Disney)

i just saw the movie ponyo and would highly recommend burning any disney movies you come in contact with and watching this instead. (of course you should check it out before you share it with your kids though). it's playing at the academy right now. it's a miyazaki film, put out by disney but SO "not disney." it is beautiful, sweet, funny, magical, real, silly, deep, etc. the scariest part is about a tsunami (with fish eyes), which is some ways is worse than the scary and violent disney-type horrors because it is perhaps more real, but is not AS dramatic and loud as the scary parts in most kids movies. (still could be scary, especially for 4 and unders... but not compared to your average disney movie). for the most part the messages about gender, love, friendship, parenting, physical beauty, good and evil, work, family, etc are all very healthy-- real but positive. there are: awesome old ladies, a mom with a beer, noodles for dinner, lots of giggling, boats and whales, scientific names for fish, a daycare next door to the senior center, a wild ride in the car, beautiful ocean scenery, etc, etc, etc. the only stereotypically beautiful princess-y woman is the goddess of the ocean. the main characters look like normal (well, cartoon-y but varied and regular) people. the only "bad guy" isn't super scary or evil, but more of a slightly crazy concerned father... and an overzealous environmentalist. in the end they shake hands and make peace. they never battle him or anything! i love that. the girl and boy main characters love each other like nothin' else but it's not sexualized or even romanticized at all. yeah for not exploiting children!!! the balance between real life and magic/imagination is good. the balance between harsh reality and ideal life is healthy. (the family isn't crazy dysfunctional OR idealized.) they way children are portrayed is awesome- independent, kind, strong, self-regulated, connected to family and community, open, funny, quirky, innocent, intelligent, etc. i think Ponyo is probably one of the best kids movies i've ever seen, in terms of actually being good for kids, not about kids for grown-ups (like coraline and the like). it's like a politically correct (aka not sucky and offensive) little mermaid. one of my favorite parts was the mom saying to her kid, "that guy was a real freak show... but don't call people freak shows, we should respect the beauty in everyone." (or something along those lines). as one mom who watched it said, "watching a dinsey movie makes your kid want to buy a plastic doll. (or, i add, BECOME a plastic doll.) watching a miyazaki movie makes your kid want to eat noodles." another said miyazaki movies are "works of art." (not boring art films though!)

Rant to a Kid-Hatin' Neighbor

(This was the original letter... not the version I actually sent her.)

Dear P,

While I understand your frustrations and am sorry for any irritation the children at my house may cause you, I am highly uncomfortable with you yelling at them and having intimidating conversations with me in front of them. I need to ask you to please not address the children in my care or to discuss this with me when they are present.

I understand the frustration of living close to neighbors. My room (where I sleep, eat, work, read, etc) is about 10 feet from my neighbors’ front door and front yard where their children play. They yell, shriek, scream, and chase, throughout the day-- often it is hard to hear a movie I am watching or I am woken in the morning. On the other side of the house, I experience my neighbors swearing and fighting, their dogs viciously fighting, and their cigarette smoke wafting over the fence into my lungs. This is all part of living in a city, with neighbors close by. While certain considerations must be made (and there are laws which set basic levels of respect-- no loud music at night for example), there is also some flexibility and tolerance required of all of us.

Last year you told me loudly and in front of the children that “children should be seen and not heard.” You also suggested “taping them to a chair.” Both of these comments were made so they could hear. I consider both of those comments to be abusive towards children as they threaten their emotional, and even physical, well being. On April 16th, you yelled “STOP SCREAMING” at them. Then you told me “this is an adult’s world and they need to learn to live in it,” again loud enough that they could hear. Well P, I completely disagree with that comment. This is everyone’s world! We live in a world that we must share with others, including children who are a necessary part of the human race. These children ARE learning how to live in a world which adults have utterly messed up, and that takes time. Adults abuse, neglect, and mistreat children. Adults pollute the earth, start wars, and create famine which children fall victim to. People who are young now will grow up to care for us and for the world they inherit. It only makes sense to treat them the way we would want to be treated.

Young children need loving attention, kind boundaries, and the freedom to express themselves and explore the world in which they live. Just about any contemporary thinking about young children acknowledges their need to scream and express themselves. The shrieking that you find so offensive is one of the ways they express their delight as they play chase. It is also one of the ways they process fear and stress. If they are not able to vent their feelings in a physical way, the feelings are likely to turn into chronic problems such as headaches, knotted muscles, achy joints, stomach cramps, or emotional disorders. I am very sorry that you grew up in a situation that didn’t allow you to express yourself. From what you have said, it sounds like you were expected to act like a small adult at a very young age. It sounds like you were punished for other people’s problems and for the unreasonable expectations that were put on you. But the cycle has to stop here, P. The abuse can not go on… at least not on my watch.

I have felt a great deal of pressure since last spring when you expressed your concerns for the yelling. I have talked to the children about it and asked them not to scream. But I don’t think I have been fair to them or their parents. They have to remain calm and quiet inside already, as our space does not allow for the loud or rowdy play I wish they could participate in whenever they feel the need. They already have to wait until we go outside. You said they should wait until they go home to scream, but this is my home and I share it with them. At home they also have neighbors. I have told their parents that this is a place where their children will be able to express themselves. In the last year I have been trying to silence them because I’ve been concerned about your reaction. I don’t feel that has been fair to the children, their families, or to me. It has created more stress and discomfort. While I will continue to take your concerns and requests into consideration, I need you to let me do my job without the worry that you will verbally attack or threaten myself or the children in my care.

Children are at my house 3 days per week for 4 hours, and 2 days per week for 6 hours. They are almost never here on weekends or in the evening. Usually we are outside for 30 minutes to 1 hour, 5 days per week, between 11am and Noon. Though in the summer we will be out more, it is still a very limited amount of time that they are here, less that they are outside, and even less of that they are shouting. It is never very early in the morning or very late at night.

I wonder if some ear plugs or headphones with music might help muffle the sound and help you feel better. I hope you can find a supportive person to listen to you about your frustration with this and past negative experiences that make children and their screaming a trigger for you. I would also be open to talking about this sometime when I am not with the children. You are welcome to email me or call to set up a meeting. I am also open to using a free neighborhood mediation service that I know of, if you feel the need for that. I am going to have to officially ask you not to address the children in my care or to discuss these issues with me when they are present.

I am very sorry that we have this disagreement and struggle between us. I like you and W and when I moved in was happy to have such cool and interesting neighbors. I hoped that we could be friends or at least be friendly. I’m sorry that you don’t enjoy having the children nearby. Their presence can be a delight if we let it!